Infrequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to forget why I walked into a room and then question my whole existence?
No. What are you, some kind of freak?
If we fell in love at IKEA, would we get a discount?
Love is free. The Malm dresser is not.
My name is now BILLY. You shall be HEMNES.
Why do I crave chaos at 2am?
Because that’s when the universe’s customer service line is open, and baby you are calling in with some complaints.
What happens if I say “no worries” but I’m full of worries?
If I wear tinfoil on my head and my feet, am I double protected?
Small price to pay for security.
What is hummous for REAL though?
A delicious, delicious cover-up. Wake up sheeple. Stay frosty.
What’s the best shirt to wear while dramatically staring out a rainy window?
I'll get back to you.
Can I use your sweatshirts as a tent in an emergency?
Yes if you are under 2 feet tall or exceptionally flexible.
If I wear your clothes while paying bills, will I be less sad?
No. However you will look super good and fun and funny while you're crying.
Are your shirts whispering compliments to me, or is that just my massive self-confidence boost now that I look soooo so so so good wearing them?
It's both. The shirts are laced with LSD
Can I wear this to my job interview AND my existential crisis?
No one says "please hire me I'm definitely not in a downward spiral" better than us.
I'm having trouble unlocking the secret level.
Up up down down left right left right shake ya ass watch yourself
Can I use your sweatshirts as a parachute in an emergency??? Urgent answer required urgent urgent urgent pls respond
Yeeeeah. Nooooo. Yeeeeeeaaah. Yeeeeaaahnoooooooo. Noooooyeeeeahhhhnoooooooo.
What’s the return policy if I get emotionally attached?
You cry in it you keep it.
Could I wear this shirt to a wedding, a funeral, or a space launch?
Yes, but you might upstage the bride, the dearly departed, and the rocket.
What's the inevitable, unavoidable result of me saying "I'll just take a really quick nap" and why do I forget that every goddamn time
Hey that's a good question. Let me know when you find out.
If I blink slowly at my laptop, does it understand I'm tired too?
It knows. It actually blinks back at you to- wait no god no it's crashing wait-